Obviously based on the content below, I would never give this speech. But I thought it would be fun to write.
I have recently scheduled my vasectomy. My wife and I made this decision, with me taking the lead, after the birth of our second daughter. I have made the decision that I will remove myself from the gene pool after procreating two wonderful, beautiful daughters. The coin was flipped twice, and it was tails both times. I'm happy with this.
I scheduled the surgery consciously and gladly, but I would be lying if I said that I didn't have fantasies of the Father-Son talks that I won't give. The one talk that I will miss is the 'Father to Son Talk About Girls'. In my head, I had given the talk a hundred times, simply because in reality I had given it four times before. Results were positive.
I had 'The Talk' through a different source than most. My biological father has not been a part of my life, and while I acknowledge the role my stepfather played, he was not exactly a role model. I was too intimidated by my uncle for the chance to have that experience with him.
No, 'The Talk' waited until I was in the Army National Guard with a man who later became my college roommate. He and I aren't very close now because I was pretty much a jerk, but at least my memories are fond of him. While he was only a couple of years older than me, he was told he looked like Russel Crowe, except that he was better looking, and for reasons that other men always wondered, including me, the women always fawned over him.
I'm not talking about your average ladies man here, I'm talking elite. We would come back from the bars, me alone, him with four women following him, all of them wanting him, and sometimes he would be bored and send them all home. All of them were 9+ on hotornot. You would think this would be great, but when you're in your room alone after seeing all these girls, you think differently.
So we were driving back from drill one Sunday afternoon, I think this was before we were roommates, and we talked about how I can't get girls. Growing up I was always a bit of a dork, but nature was kind and gave me a decent body (before I quit smoking), a relatively handsome face, and a good sense of humor. However, I was still a pariah to the opposite sex. Or so I thought until I had 'the Talk.' Allow me to quote.
"Dennis, I have to admit it puzzles me a bit too because you are one of my better wingmen. Not the best, that's Joel, but you're pretty good. You're good looking, really smart, and one of the funniest guys I know. Even if you can't dance for shit, you should be pulling girls home at least half the time that I do. I think we need to have a talk about How to Pick Up Women and Get Laid."
The God just told me I had The Stuff, I just needed to refine it. Believe me, I was listening.
"Okay, first off, you need to understand that they want the same thing that you do. They want to be liked, they want to be liked more than their girlfriends, and they want to feel special. They also don't want a guy that's not a challenge. That's easy to say, but hard to do. Here's the Formula."
"You're at the bar, you and I start talking to girls. Remember when that one cute blonde was leaning in towards you and touched your arm? That's when you know She Likes You. She didn't touch you by accident. You didn't know it, but you were in already. If you had done what I'm telling you next, you might have had a good night."
"When you see she likes you, leave. Go somewhere without telling her where you are going, just go. Walk around, talk with friends, hang out, whatever, but don't be where she is until you run into her again because she was looking for you. When that happens, they always say angrily, 'You ditched me!' and act like they hate you. Then you reply calmly with a smile, 'No I didn't, I had to go to the bathroom and ran into a friend. I've been looking for you ever since.' At that point, she should be on your arm at the bar the whole night, just be nice and say 'Really?' to everything she says. Well, a little more than that, but I've seen you talk, you're alright when they like you. Keep talking, say her name a lot, and if you're holding hands or kissing, all the better."
"Step 2: The bar is closing. She says she's got to go, and asks what you're doing. Find a nice way of saying you don't know, but it would be more fun if she were there. Usually you can say it exactly like that. Then she'll talk about how we could go to a friend's house or whatever, and she'll ask how you're getting home. Obviously you gotta play it by ear, you either go to their friends, you ride with her, or take your car, but whatever you do, you can't say straight to the bedroom. The trick is to let her know what you want most is to be with her."
"So you go to the after party, or not, and she'll give hints about being tired. If she touches you again throughout the night, she's not quite as tired as you fear. Especially if she's ready for the first kiss (assuming you are still talking and holding hands). Some way or another, you'll have the chance to be alone in one of your places."
"Now, you are on the bed with her, and this is where most guys blow it long before clothes are off. Two things are important. The first is that she needs to feel comfortable and in control. The second is that you have a knee."
"What the hell am I talking about? Okay, you're kissing like crazy, kissing her neck, by the way, don't slobber, feeling over the shirt, under the shirt, over the bra, and all that is nice, but remember, when she puts her hand on yours and gently pulls away, you respect that. You stop. She'll mention she wants to take it slow and you say only one thing. 'That's okay.' No speeches, just 'That's okay.' Then you hold her and let her start kissing you again and you'll put your knee and thigh between her legs and move it gently up and down against her crotch as you kiss and fondle. This is important, it stimulates her without crossing any boundaries and she'll get excited, kiss you stronger and shirts will come off and while you are kissing her breasts while gyrating your knee she'll stop you. You respect her wishes, say 'That's okay' and hold her. More kissing, more knee, and before you know it you are both in your underpants and she'll stop you one more time. She'll say that she doesn't normally do this, and she probably doesn't by the way, not every guy knows this, and all you need to say is that we're here together and I want to be happy with you."
"No speeches, no drama, then she'll kiss you and you'll need to take off her panties and your underwear and you use the condom that you should have hidden under the mattress already. It's easy. Except when they do put on the brakes, and it happens. Although sometimes it winds up being a good night in some way or another, if you know what I mean. Then you kiss some more, wake up together, and wait until the next date. Any time they say stop, you stop. No complaints. If you complain, you'll be like you are now, alone."
Without going into the details of a much improved college life, my college life was much improved. I still had my flubs, but while I was in shape, good looking, and armed with the knowledge of The Elite, I learned how to not seduce women, but make them like being with me.
And that is The Talk that I won't have with my son. I'm fine with that. But at some point in my life, I know that my daughters will want to know something about the opposite sex, and at some point I will have to have the Father-Daughter Talk. I have thought long and hard about what I should say to them when that time comes. And in a moment of inspiration, I had the idea of what I should tell them.
I will tell my daughters exactly the same thing I would have told my son.
